In a year when making a straight-to-DVD sequel of a 24-year-old comedy (replacing Tom Hanks with OH-Face from “Office Space”) and a 2008 version of the eightiesest movie that ever eightiesed are both somehow acceptable, I feel it is more prescient now than ever to examine a list of Ten Sequels That Came Out Way Too Late in the hopes that history stops repeating itself again and again:

10. Caddyshack 2

Original: 1980

Sequel: 1988

All right, who do we have back? Only Chevy Chase? No problem. We can replace Rodney Dangerfield with any Jewish one-liner comedian. Jackie Mason? Great. Who can we get to replace Ted Knight’s legendary blue-blooded straight-man performance? The host of “Unsolved Mysteries”? Perfect. Finally, no Bill Murray? Just get anyone from SNL in the 70s. Is Garrett Morris not available? Fine, just throw in Dan Akyroyd and have him do a stupid voice. Wait a minute — this movie sucks! What the hell went wrong?

9. Son of the Mask

Original: 1994

Sequel: 2005

“The Mask” may have spawned an Oscar-winning soundtrack and a series of never-tedious catchphrases, but a sequel wouldn’t have been an act of sacrilege, except for the fact that “Son of the Mask” is the worst movie of all time.
Not “one of the worst” — THE worst. I used to doubt it too, refusing to
believe a movie could even be on par with “Master of Disguise” or
“Rollerball,” until I finally watched it at a friend’s insistence, and
immediately recanted.

8. Live Free Or Die Hard

Original: 1988, Part 2: 1990, Part 3: 1995

Part 4: 2007

This movie’s not nearly as egregious as the others on this list, but
it perfectly embodies all four signs that a sequel is truly, truly
desperate: 1) Traditional R-Rating traded in for a
PG-13 to appeal to a wider audience, even if it means covering up the
film’s catchphrase with a gunshot sound effect; 2) Title weirdly rephrased so it doesn’t involve the really high number of the sequel; 3) Lead actor now stylishly bald to mask the fact that he’s fifty-two; and, of course, 4) Waaacky Sidekick!!!

7. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Original: 1984, Part 2: 1991

Part 3: 2003

We need a plot for this new “Terminator” installment. Why don’t we
have the machines send a robot back in time to pre-emptively stop John
Connor before he grows up to be the leader of the human resistance, but
have the humans also send someone back in time to try to protect him?
Wait — that was the exact plot of movies One and Two, which were both
groundbreaking and surely cannot be improved upon? Fine. Make the
villain a hot naked chick.

6. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

Original: 1994

Sequel: 2003

I remember the first time I saw the teaser trailer for this film,
which consisted only of titlers and a voiceover, then I turned to my
friend and said “oh my God… they’re making a ‘Dumb and Dumber sequel! I
can’t wait!” My friend then pointed out that the preview showed no
scenes from the movie or mentioned who was in it, meaning it was likely
some treacherous studio-mandated sequel in name only, and I immediately
foresaw nightmarish visions that pretty closely resembled this.

5. Basic Instinct 2

Original: 1992

Sequel: 2006

It’s one thing for a sex-related movie to not be hot enough to
masturbate to, but it’s quite another for a sequel to be so
horrifically unsexy, it makes you angry that you were ever the
slightest bit aroused by the original, causing you to simultaneously
punch your crotch and your brain as punishment. I hope to God they make
the third one earlier than 2020.

4. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

Original: 1987

Sequel: 2004

Yes! It’s about time they remade a movie that embodies everything
great about the eighties… for the NEW MILLENIUM! Who cares if none of
the original cast members, writers, or any humans who were in the same
country as the people who worked on the original are involved — it has
the words “Dirty” and “Dancing” in the title! Plus I’ve always wondered
how the discipline of dancing dirtily changed in the aftermath of
September 11th.

3. Sylvester Stallone, 2006-2008

Previous ‘Rocky’ Installment: 1990, Previous ‘Rambo’ Installment: 1988

Rocky Balboa: 2006, Rambo: 2008

I recall Stallone on his 2006 talk show run for the
mostly tolerable “Rocky Balboa” saying how the Rocky character’s
desperate stab for one last moment of glory mirrored that of his own
personal career, which was actually kind of poignant, if clearly
smacking of self-rationalization. I’m not sure how the Rambo
character’s desperate stab through the throats of a whole bunch more
Southeast Asian terrorists mirrors anything in his personal life, nor
do I have any idea how he’s going to justify that 2010 “Over The Top”
sequel…

2. Blues Brothers 2000

Original: 1980

Sequel: 1998

The Simpsons pretty much summed up this film (and Jim Belushi’s
career) in the episode “Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo” when Belushi,
filming an in-flight movie on the plane itself, walks by yelling “Toga!
Toga! Toga! 2000!” as a crew films him.

1. The Godfather Part III

Original: 1972, Part II: 1974

Part III: 1990

Gentleman, we’ve done the unthinkable — we won an Oscar for a
sequel. Nobody thought we could equal “The Godfather,” but we’ve taken
the story in a new direction and proven that sequels don’t just have to
be obligatory, superfluous extensions of the original designed to coax
some cash out of a public that craves the familiar. Well done, all.

[SIXTEEN YEARS PASS]

Hey, forget what I said — let’s do a sh*tty sequel to that sequel.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Jason X, Freddy vs Jason, Alien
III, Alien Resurrection, Alien vs Predator, The Evening Star, Before
Sunset (good, just weirdly late), The Star Wars prequels (which don’t
technically count as sequels, but whatever, f*ck ‘em), dozens more

Recently, the need for space has become immense. Files have become
increasingly larger, there are more things to download and so on.
Personally, I run out of space on multiple drives all the time. Maybe
you are trying to get a file sent to someone, but it’s too large for an
attachment on your email. Possibly you want to backup some files to
download later or multiple times. That is why there are file hosts.

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Sorry, we don’t have pictures but Apple took us into a dramatically lit
back-room to check out the new iPhone 3G. Here’s what you need to know:

• We did a quick data test — at our location we went from
  104Kbps on the EDGE iPhone to 215Kbps on the 3G model. 2x ain’t bad, yo.
• The
  enable/disable 3G setting is real, and buried a few menus deep. There
  is no automatic switching, Apple just assumes you’ll leave 3G on, and
  that the iPhone has the juice to support that usage.
• It’s tri-band 3G, as we reported the other day. This same phone will ship worldwide.
• WiFi is still 802.11b/g, no support for n yet.
• Yes, that GPS is A-GPS, just as we mentioned.

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