Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and
everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank’s
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a
$110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married
within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but “Nescafe”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then
went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

“Good till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight
to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges
pack:

“Extra Long. King Size”.

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after
a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British
Adirways”. Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped
through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.
The ad said:

“Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

Mom fainted…

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said, “No.”

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”

C
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but find out the the gun is far too powerful for your simple needs of foot shooting.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since
you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

JAVA
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*,
and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you’ve
forgotten what the hell you’re doing.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can’t find anywhere to shoot it.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again.
You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in
the foot instead.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ‘PULLED’;
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you.

Javascript
You’ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself
in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot
your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual BASIC
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first
reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that’s done, you
pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

Pascal
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

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