Fail2Care.COM

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married
within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how
their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but “Nescafe”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then
went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

“Good till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight
to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges
pack:

“Extra Long. King Size”.

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after
a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British
Adirways”. Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped
through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.
The ad said:

“Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

Mom fainted…

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said, “No.”

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”

C
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but find out the the gun is far too powerful for your simple needs of foot shooting.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since
you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

JAVA
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*,
and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you’ve
forgotten what the hell you’re doing.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can’t find anywhere to shoot it.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again.
You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in
the foot instead.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ‘PULLED’;
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you.

Javascript
You’ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself
in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot
your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual BASIC
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first
reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that’s done, you
pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

Pascal
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Read More

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh S*$# what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.