Archive for the 'Jokes' Category...
Filed under Jokes
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh S*$# what the hell happened?”
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.
Posted by PaulpBaker on Saturday, July 12th, 2008
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Posted by PaulpBaker on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his
wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her
husband’s 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept
over, and two said that he was still there.
Posted by PaulpBaker on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said,
‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box .’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I
saw that.You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Posted by PaulpBaker on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little b*stard.
Posted by PaulpBaker on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
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