When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh S*$# what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me – it was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his
wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her
husband’s 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept
over, and two said that he was still there.