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Jokes

24
Jun

Little Old Lady On Trial

Posted by: PaulpBaker

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the Porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me!”

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little b*stard.

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Jokes

19
Jun

4 kinds of SEX

Posted by: PaulpBaker

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: So, how’s your sex life?” “Oh, nothing special. I’m
having Social Security sex.” “Social Security sex?” “Yeah, I get a little
each month, but not enough to live on!”

LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big
problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets
out this ear splitting yell.” “My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s
completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem is,”
she complained, “It wakes me up!”

QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked
his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?” She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife have a bitter
quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband
yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here
Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”

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Jokes

06
Jun

PASSING GAS

Posted by: PaulpBaker
An elderly lady
complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. “It’s
really more of a nuisance than a problem,” she explains, “They’re
silent and they don’t smell.” The M.D. gives her a prescription and
tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, “I don’t know what it was you gave me, doc, but I
still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells
terribly!”

The M.D. replies, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll see what we can do for your hearing.”

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Jokes

05
Jun

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Posted by: PaulpBaker
1. IF YOU’RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER
DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT – USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER – EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.

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Jokes

05
Jun

Just in case you need more proof that we live in a crazy world . . .

Posted by: PaulpBaker
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(…so they’ll never know they went blind?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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Jokes