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The M.D. replies, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll see what we can do for your hearing.”

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(…so they’ll never know they went blind?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

More

1. High tech equipment is often driven by a computer with a DOS prompt. (re: RoboCop)
2. High tech companies don’t do offsite backups of the data (re: Terminator 2)
3. All media devices are readily available - ie If someone hands you
   a DAT tape with important data on it your PC will have a DAT drive.
4. No matter what you ask a computer to do it will respond with a
   percentage complete bargraph - especially when searching for data it
   can accurately give you the time remaining until it finds that data.
5. Data searching will always involve displaying all the searched
   data on the screen until a match is found - this is true of text and
   graphics such as fingerprints.
6. Telephone calls can be easily redirected through places all over
   the world, and upon a tracea globe will be displayed complete with
   lines travelling between each place.
7. Deleting of data always takes just a little less time than it takes the bad guys to knock down the door.
8. Alltechnology is plug and play - every computer can have any piece of technology attached.
9. High tech graphical interfaces are often driven by hundreds of keystrokes which do not appear anywhere on the screen.
10. IP addresses automatically supply the feds with the physical address (ie log on and they know where you are!)
11. Word processors never display a cursor.
12. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. Just keep hitting the keys without stopping
13. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
14. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
    such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
    >interfaces.
15. Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command
    shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in
    plain English.
16. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
17. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
    simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS.” Viruses cause temperatures in computers,
    > >just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out
    of disk >drives and monitors.
18. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
19. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
    screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen
    so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced
    ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters
    come across the screen.
20. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
    underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a
    puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you
    backward. (See #7, above)
21. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
22. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
23. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
24. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
    accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
    data at two gigabytes per second.
25. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
26. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
    it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
    >backup file — and there are no undelete utilities.
27. If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
28. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by
    >any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
    all >computer platforms.
29. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.
    However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons
    aren’t labelled.
30. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
    three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
    capability.
31. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
    real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
32. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
33. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
34. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
35. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.