1. High tech equipment is often driven by a computer with a DOS prompt. (re: RoboCop)
2. High tech companies don’t do offsite backups of the data (re: Terminator 2)
3. All media devices are readily available – ie If someone hands you
   a DAT tape with important data on it your PC will have a DAT drive.
4. No matter what you ask a computer to do it will respond with a
   percentage complete bargraph – especially when searching for data it
   can accurately give you the time remaining until it finds that data.
5. Data searching will always involve displaying all the searched
   data on the screen until a match is found – this is true of text and
   graphics such as fingerprints.
6. Telephone calls can be easily redirected through places all over
   the world, and upon a tracea globe will be displayed complete with
   lines travelling between each place.
7. Deleting of data always takes just a little less time than it takes the bad guys to knock down the door.
8. Alltechnology is plug and play – every computer can have any piece of technology attached.
9. High tech graphical interfaces are often driven by hundreds of keystrokes which do not appear anywhere on the screen.
10. IP addresses automatically supply the feds with the physical address (ie log on and they know where you are!)
11. Word processors never display a cursor.
12. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. Just keep hitting the keys without stopping
13. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
14. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
    such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
    >interfaces.
15. Those that don’t will have incredibly powerful text-based command
    shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in
    plain English.
16. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.
17. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
    simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS.” Viruses cause temperatures in computers,
    > >just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out
    of disk >drives and monitors.
18. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.
19. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
    screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen
    so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced
    ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters
    come across the screen.
20. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
    underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a
    puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you
    backward. (See #7, above)
21. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
22. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
23. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
24. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
    accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
    data at two gigabytes per second.
25. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
26. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
    it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
    >backup file — and there are no undelete utilities.
27. If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
28. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by
    >any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
    all >computer platforms.
29. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.
    However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons
    aren’t labelled.
30. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
    three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
    capability.
31. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
    real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
32. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
33. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
34. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
35. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardare problem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is
installing new “Drive-through” teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw
cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility
are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

The sentence “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

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